It started with a question…
“Do you have a crush on me?”
Writer/Dramaturge/Performer
”Do You Have A Crush On Me?” is a personal narrative performance that explores the ways in which one’s sense of perception, identity, and self-worth may be lost and overwritten over time through the guise of a trusting relationship.
This work was originally explored in a Theatre and Performance course at the University of Waterloo. The second iteration of this work was presented through a performance series titled ‘Hysteria’ in 2018, which showcased female-aligned works unpacking how toxic relationships can shape a woman, and what it means to reveal these realities as a form of catharsis.
A Reflection
Beyond
The Mirror
My exploration in this performance was through the experience of being gaslit.
That is to say, the ways in which one can confuse their own meaning and identification by that which is negatively imposed on them through someone else.
In my life, this has happened to me.
“Do you have a crush on me?” became the title of this performance venture as this very innocent and almost child-like inquiry and my response to it led to my own experience in losing my sense of self.
A Backstory —
I had a reoccurring dream (nightmare) of what became this performance—staring at myself in a mirror, and slowly this reflection morphed into something other—it was a ghastly representation of myself. It was as though as I was looking at the person I came to believe I was through the eyes of my abuser. This false reflection continued to change to the point of being inhuman, and I woke up in tears. Through my interest in psychology, I researched into what mirrors represented, and what I discovered was an exercise called ‘strange face in mirror’ illusion.
Look for a few minutes, unmoving in a mirror, and you begin to experience hallucinations that allow you to believe that what you are witnessing is not you. It is based on perception.
It is a physical, mental representation of being gaslit.
It is how I stood in this performance
I stared into my eyes with the endless torture that I endured for years unbeknownst to anyone.
I took a meditative approach to this work because through meditation I developed a deeper sense of self-awareness (and continue to).
My phone was attached to me because it is the way that I experienced the world in this gaslit relationship; I was never without it, because I couldn’t be.
This performance was the start of a series of opening old wounds from the past in my life. It is healing to share; it connects others experience’s to my own, to the work, and to the issues that need to be spoken about openly.
I was deeply moved by the reception of this performance, and will continue to explore and enhance upon it.
Artist’s Statement
“Do You Have A Crush On Me?”
We look at our reflection every day
We know what we look like
We have a sense of who we are
We have a sense of what we believe in
We want to look a certain way
We want to love ourselves
We want to be loved by others
What happens when the people you love make you question your own reflection?
What happens when you stare too long?
Do you see what they see?
Do you start to believe them?
Could you get out of being gaslit?
Come in, and encircle me
Please give me a few steps of space
So you can see what I see
And hear what I hear
Come towards the door, and wait for me to knock on the other side
Count to ten before you enter
When you enter, be mindful of the darkness
When you enter, keep to yourself
When I leave, if you wish, find your reflection on the floor
When you look, crouch in close, the key is to stare into your eyes
When you are done, follow me out of the room
When you are done, be mindful, watch your step
Come in, and encircle me